Steve Braunias: The secret diary of the convoy protest

OPINION:

THE CONVOY PROTEST
Kia ora.

JACINDA ARDERN
The protest is not representative of the vast majority of New Zealanders, and the scientific research and psychological assessments of the situation we have at Wellington at the moment are that if we turn the other way and ignore it, then it will go away.

THE NEW ZEALAND POLICE
Please leave now.

THE CONVOY PROTEST
They say we are doing something wrong. We are doing nothing wrong.

THE NEW ZEALAND POLICE
Please? If you don’t mind?

CHRISTOPHER LUXON
Everyone has the right to protest, but folk shouldn’t be breaking rules.

DAVID PARKER
Everyone has the right to protest, just not these people.

JACINDA ARDERN
Everyone has the right to protest, but I think what would be helpful right now, and would shed light on the situation, which is becoming increasingly volatile, not to say chaotic, with a strong current of anti-authoritarianism behind it and the potential for violence and disruption, what might calm things down is if we define the word “right”.

CHRISTOPHER LUXON
Because what it all comes down to is that we’re all just folk. The protesters are folk like you and me. I want them to remember that when they go back to their electorates.

WINSTON PETERS
Hello. I’m Winston Peters.

TREVOR MALLARD
As Speaker of the House of Representatives, and someone whose personal and political integrity was not in the slightest damaged by my false rape claim about a Parliament staffer that cost taxpayers more than $333,000 to resolve, I expect protesters to take me seriously as I hereby order them to disperse from the grounds in an orderly manner.

THE CONVOY PROTEST
This is our stand.

THE NEW ZEALAND POLICE

You are under arrest. You are under arrest. You are under arrest. You are under arrest. You are under arrest. You are under arrest. You are under arrest. You are under arrest. You are under arrest. You are under arrest. You are under arrest. You are under arrest [etc.].

THE CONVOY PROTEST
More and more people are coming.

THE NEW ZEALAND POLICE
You too are under arrest. You too are under arrest. You too are under arrest. You too are under arrest. You too are under arrest. You too are under arrest. You too are under arrest. You too are under arrest. You too are under arrest. You too are under arrest. You too are under arrest. You too are under arrest [etc.].

THE MEDIA
In group chats on social media, organisers are asking people to bring more food. On Friday morning, at 5am, a doughnut truck arrived. You can now buy fresh doughnuts right in the middle of Molesworth St, a normally busy road that has been occupied by Convoy 2022 trucks and vans since Tuesday.

THE CONVOY PROTEST
To the media: take a look at yourself in the mirror. Look into your souls. Stop lying about us. Stop lying on behalf of the Government. We see you. We’re looking at you right now. But we love you though. We love you! We really do.

THE MEDIA
God almighty.

THE CONVOY PROTEST
Aotearoa is watching.

THE NEW ZEALAND POLICE
God almighty.

THE CONVOY PROTEST
The world is watching.

JACINDA ARDERN
I can’t watch.

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